Alternative title: Does an Agostino poop in the woods?
This is going to be a fun, TMI-filled, topic, friends.
I’ll give you a moment to consider your next move.
*checks nails*
*looks around, awkwardly*
*pretends to read something*
*realizes it’s upside down*
*resumes awkward gazing*
Ok. If you’re still with me, you’re about to learn a valuable, yet obscure skill: how to do your business in the woods while considering your fellow, future explorer.
First, why this is important to talk about:
- You probably assume people doo as the dogs doo, squat and go; and you’d be incorrect. Dogs are down with OPP (other pups poops); people are not.
- Poo is gross and no one wants to know that yours is out there. A squat-n-go will leave some kind of trace. A trace your nose knows.
- It’s just good manners to “dispose” properly, wherever you are. Period.
As we know, sh*t happens. Like, literally everyday. And so those all-day, multi-day adventures will most definitely include a bathroom break of the No. 2 variety.
The poop-bladder, as my sister calls it, will not cease on command.
So it’s best to be prepared. And I don’t mean with just toilet paper.
There is a process.
So let’s dig right in!
(lol, #funwithpuns)
Let’s say you’ve spent weeks planning a special day out. You’re hitting the trails; you’re climbing hills, crossing streams, feeling the wind in your hair! It’s going to be friggin’ magical.
You fuel up on coffee and bran, lace up your best adventure shoes and leave all modern conveniences behind!
You are having the time of your…..
“Oh crap.”
Oh crap, indeed; something’s happening.
If you’d read this post prior to making plans, you’d be ready. Although, most likely a little apprehensive, you first-world, enclosed-room, privacy-pooper, you.
You would have the right tools.
Like at home, you’d have toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Not like at home, you’d also have a little, portable shovel, like THIS one from Walmart. The newbie outdoor poopers that Mark and I were, we bought a plastic shovel that doesn’t adequately pierce the undergrowth layer that sits on top of the dirt like a metal one would. The plastic shovel is lighter, but my preference, and that of most I’m going to assume, is that I erase allllllll traces of my deed with a tool that is made for digging holes and burying things.
You would know where to go.
Once the urge hit, you would start looking for that special place. You would know to walk the recommended (in New York State) 70 paces away from the trail, and 70 paces away from water; although you’d use your best judgement and not walk yourself over a cliff or into an unsafe area. You would naturally look for privacy.
**Pro-tip: be mindful of the trail and where it twists and turns; your private place might be in direct line of a trail that makes a sharp bend in your direction**
You would know what to do.
You would dig a hole with your trusty metal shovel. Only you know your body, specifically what your body does, and so only you know just how deep that hole should be. But you would dig that hole and *ahem* fill it. You’d include the toilet paper (it’s biodegradable) and cover everything with the dirt, leaves and whatever else covered the ground before.
Then you’d feel a pep in your step as you carried on with what’s probably shaping up to be a pretty great day and wonder why you were so apprehensive to do what bears do every day.
Yes. Agostinos poop in the woods, and you should too.
Fine + Fir 